Yeah. Yeah, I’m going there.
Ahhh, Facebook. For most of us sadly, it is a part of our daily lives. A retreat, if you will, from our own mundane lives into the mundane lives of others. A place to go to zone out and scroll down for twenty minutes until you find something interesting to read. Lately though, I feel as if I just keep on scrolling through the same updates, the same complaints, weather reports, memes, intellectual insights and pet photos… I gotta be honest, it’s getting old. Yet I still sign on, I still scroll, I’m still sucked into the depths of Facebook and fifteen minutes later I’m wondering who the heck’s page I’m on and how I got there. It’s like watching a movie that is so unbelievably horrible you just have to keep watching to the end.
I know, I know, none of you would be here reading this page if it weren’t for Facebook. I’m not saying Facebook is a bad thing, I honestly like it. I think it’s a fantastic social media tool and one of the best ways to
stalk keep in touch with people. What? I stalk people, not denying that. I also am guilty of posting stupid animal pictures that I know no one cares about and posting song lyrics as my status update. It just seems as though Facebook has been more like “Complainbook” or “Debatebook”, “Here’s-a-reason-I’m-better-than-youbook” or “Self-pomotionbook” (guilty as charged). For this reason I have decided to compile a list of some of the most annoying Facebook statuses to see on a daily basis, and before some of you get offended and vow to never visit this blog again (and drop my readers from 20 to 19), let me remind you that I have just admitted to be guilty of some of these as well. You have to be able to poke fun at yourself before you poke fun at others, right?
The Most Annoying Status Updates to see on a Daily Basis
Complainbook- 2010: “This new Facebook sucks!” 2011: “This new Facebook sucks, we want the old Facebook back!” 2012: “What is this Timeline crap? Bring the old Facebook back!” , “No, Lady in WalMart I will not let you cut in front of me- people are so rude!” , “Neighbors won’t shut up! I want to scissor kick their door in!”, “Old people at the mall are soo slow” , one of my own personal favorites: … need I go on?
Self-promotionbook- “New Post! Check out my blog!” Obviously, I know I do it, but like I said before no one would be reading this if I didn’t. Facebook honestly is an excellent way to get yourself out there, while annoying a lot of people in the process. I’m
lazy busy so I don’t even update that much, some people update a few times a week, still not too annoying. Some people are entered in contests and want you to vote for them, or their baby, or their pet. Again, great tool to get friends/family/other “friends” (who aren’t really your friends but you’re friends with on Facebook because you met each other at a party once, or went to highschool with them that one time) to vote, but these voters don’t realize that the contest doesn’t end for six weeks and you need to vote every.single.day. so they post the link “Day 27: Vote for Scruffy- we’re going to win this one yet!” every.single.day.
Weatherbook- Do you wake up every morning to a windowless room and wonder just what the heck the weather is like? Weather websites are for dummies! Why spend so much time entering in your zip code and loading up the forecast when you can just go on Weatherbook and see what everyone in your area has to say about the weather? Big snow storm? People are posting about it! Thunderstorm in your area? Don’t waste your time waiting to hear the thunder, just go on Weatherbook and start reading people’s status updates! Weatherbook is so reliable that you’ll even know when people lose power, they’ll post about it- guaranteed! Rain or shine, Weatherbook will be there.
Religionbook– Some people are religious, some people are “kinda” religious, some people aren’t religious at all. It doesn’t really matter to me what you are, that’s not something that I, personally, really think about. Unless it’s pushed in my face. every. single. day. I’m not hiding your stories or unsubscribing to your updates because I disagree with your religious views or because I dislike anything about you. I’m doing it because if I wanted to be preached to or read a prayer every day then I would go to church and read The Bible, or another religion’s equivalent. I believe that everyone is free to believe whatever they want, but that’s all I’m going to say about it. I won’t argue with you or push my views on you, which is why I chose not to read when you do.
Mommybook- I’m going to get in trouble for this one. Next to a bride or a warrior, the last person I’d want to anger is a pregnant woman or momma bear. I’m not denying the fact that when I have my own children they will become my world, and my camera’s memory card won’t be big enough to hold all of the pictures I take of them, and my mouth won’t stop going off about how proud I am or what new and exciting things are going on. Guaranteed when I have a baby there will be a new category in the column on the right that says “Mommyhood” or something along those lines. Now that I’m done defending myself to all the mommy readers, I’ll continue. Maybe I’m just at the age now where it seems like everyone I know has babies or is preparing for a baby, which is why my news feed is overtaken by ultrasound pictures, even worse- positive pregnancy test pictures, I’m dreading the day I see a birthing video posted. It’s inevitable people. There will always be moms, there will always be sleepless nights, toothing babies, poopie diapers, people who don’t offer their seat to you when your pregnant, people who ask you if you’re pregnant when you have a 4 month old sitting on your lap, back pain, bad times, good times. To some degree, I get it. I’m only an aunt and I’m obsessed with those kids, have a whole album on Facebook dedicated to them (and some pets…which is even worse). The funny thing with Mommybook updates is that when one mom/mom-to-be update their status, twenty other moms or mom-to-be’s comment on how they have or had it worse. It never fails, we women just love to share our stories…
Foodiebook- We’ve all seen this one before, “I made something, here’s proof!”.
I like food. I love food. If someone posts a picture of something they made and it looks awesome and tasted just as good- good for you, I’ll probably like your picture and ask you to make it for me. If you post a picture of something you made or are about to eat at a restaurant and it’s the worst quality picture of a plate of spaghetti, then you need to either order more interesting food when you’re out and buy a better camera, or stop posting pictures of food to Facebook.
Debatebook– Don’t agree with someone’s views? Feel like arguing about it? Status updates are the new way to slander someone’s views without speaking face to face about it. Maybe it’s so popular because it’s one of the only ways to argue with someone and not get interrupted, maybe it’s because some people just always need to express their feelings and there are other people who always feel the need to tell them they’re wrong, and why. Be sure to check for Debatebook updates during the times of a Presidential Election, when a state is about to pass a bill or if anything war related happens. Needless to say Debatebook and Religionbook status updates and comments often overlap.
Here’s-a-reason-I’m-better-than-youbook- “Ran 10K after teaching my free yoga class to people on welfare, had an amazing eye-opening experience volunteering at the retirement home and just finished up donating to charity and serving dinner at the shelter with my homemade muffins as dessert!…just a typical Wednesday afternoon. What did YOU do today?” Okay, we get it. You’re in good shape, you do helpful, interesting things. You are a good person… until you rub it in our faces. I work out okay? Just because I don’t run everyday doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything with my life. Yes, you’ll outrun me and survive the Zombie Apocalypse longer than me. Maybe that does make you better than me but you don’t have to rub it in my face ya jerk.
Over-sharebook- “Hooked up with a hottie last night, I’m still sore!” , “Our son was circumcised today, here is a picture…” , “Colonoscopy went well today, haven’t stopped farting since!” We’ve all got at least one of them, right? That one person that feels the need to update the world with disgusting details that no one really wants to read about. There’s no stopping them, they’ll always exists, and they’ll always share more information than you’d ever care to know. Is this where the term “TMI” came from? The world may never know…
Teen-relationshipbook– Quite possibly the most annoying of all.
Do you know how many emotions one teenager goes through in one day? If you’ve ever been a teenager, had a teenager, been within a ten foot radius of a teenager- you know there’s a lot of junk going on in that head and one word could send them over the edge, and boom. It’s the end of the world and no one understands, and you’re the worst. Ever. Teen relationships are so out of control and over the top that sometimes it’s entertaining but other times you’re like “uhh, this is the seventh boyfriend you’ve had in a month, and I’m starting to get concerned about your choices” or ” you hated this person two days ago, loved them more than ever for the rest of your life yesterday and now you hope they die?”. Get a grip kiddos. In my day when we were feeling depressed and wanted attention we posted it in our away messages on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger- holla!). That way no one had to read our stupid whiny crap and who we love or hate today unless they wanted to… ahhh, the good old days.
Did I miss any? I’m sure the list could go on all day. Find any that you do? Hope you were able to chuckle at it instead of taking it to heart. Maybe next time you decide to unsubscribe to someone’s updates (like mine perhaps), or next time you post a picture of your cheeseburger at Denny’s you’ll be able to chuckle and say “Yup, I’m doing it. And I don’t care if no one else cares how many times I went to the bathroom today, it’s a disease and I want them to support my cause!”. So go out there and do it Facebookers! It’s your right as a Facebook user to complain about everything and everyone!
Feel free to call me out when I do it, unless I beat you to it that is!