Most Annoying Facebook Status Updates, Part Duex

LMS if you know what I’m talking about!

Come on, did you honestly think I could go on without making another one of these? There are just far too many annoying statuses out there that are posted on a daily basis to not continue with this. Honestly I’d go through my friends and take out half if it didn’t mean I’d lose readers… although I might be losing readers by looking like a bitter old bat talking about this anyway. That’s what the “unsubscribe” option is for though- am I right?

For those of you who may have missed my first installment let me just clarify- this is all in good fun. I may seem like a big jerk for calling attention to these things, but we’re all guilty of it, and that includes me. I chose to classify these updates the way I did because it seems like Facebook updaters are turning Facebook into more of a  “Complainbook”, “Movie-Criticbook”, “Debatebook” or “Countdownbook”. Am I trying to say that we need to bring Facebook back to it’s original self by all posting photos of our faces? Well, no, that’s just silly! So before you get upset with me for “personally attacking your statuses” just know that I’m simply saying what I’m fairly certain we’re all aware of, which is the rut that Facebook status updates are currently in, so why not laugh at ourselves for it? If you feel the need to retort with “Well, you must be on Facebook an awful lot if you have to complain about what people are posting!”, please know that a) it doesn’t matter if I go on once a day or one hundred times a day, I’m still scrolling through the same posts and b) if you’re already so upset about this that you feel the need to say something like that then you should probably turn back now.

The Most Annoying  Status Updates, Continued

LMS-forbook- Maybe I know too many teenagers, maybe it’s weird that a person in their late twenties is friends with teenagers on Facebook, (cool your jets- they’re family or family friends, okay?), maybe I’m just feeling old because after the 50th time I saw a status that said “LMS for truth is“, I had finally had it and went to Google what LMS means. It means “Like my status” and “truth is” that it’s annoying (zing!). It’s annoying because they ask people to like their status if the “liker” wants to hear what the post-er really thinks about them. So then the post-er posts 20 new status updates in a row telling everyone what they think about them. I get it, it’s a fun little game to see what so-and-so really thinks about whats-his-face but that’s what the game MASH and those crazy little folded up notes are for. Can’t we go back to those days? Those days when all of your true feelings were just between you and your closest friends, and not for everyone in the world to know?

Inspirational-Storybook- I just read this one recently about a New York City cab driver who gave an elderly woman a two hour long ride around the city for free because she was dying. Okay, nice story, sure, whatever. But you guys all realize that all of these stories are made up right? This one in particular was written by someone who can’t even keep a consistent storyline. In the beginning the cab driver is picking up the last fare in his shift, then drives her around for two hours when all of a sudden the sun begins to rise. So after he drops her off he decides not to pick up any more fares during his shift (even though his shift ended two hours ago?) because he is just so touched by this old woman’s life. Apparently everyone who comments/likes/shares it is just so moved by this compelling story that they fail to see that it makes no sense?

Like-if-you-Believebook- Do you see Jesus in this photo?? Like if you believe! This little kid is going to die if we don’t get enough likes! Look at this picture of a biker shaking hands with a veteran! If you don’t like it you’re a communist! Why does everyone think that by liking something on Facebook you’re doing your part in changing the world? Just to be clear- you’re sitting on your butt, in front of your computer and you clicked a button. Yet somehow you feel justified and feel like you’re really making a difference and everyone else who doesn’t “like” it is a bad person? Go volunteer at a hospital, shelter or church and then we’ll talk.

Movie-Criticbook- Everyone’s a critic, right? Now, unfortunately we just don’t have a choice if we want to hear your reviews or not because you shove them in everyone’s face. Just because you saw a movie and have an opinion on it, doesn’t mean the world cares… unless your last name is Ebert and your first name is Robert. Movie reviews are something I never really understood anyway, I could have 20 people in one ear saying it’s the best movie ever and 20 people in my other ear saying it was complete garbage. None of these opinions are going to sway my personal feelings towards the movie one way or the other. Can’t I just see a movie and form my own opinion about it before you tell me it’s crap?

TVSpoilerbook- One of the worst ones in my opinion. Not everyone gets HBO, AMC and Showtime okay guys? So when you post things like “Can’t believe *insert character name* died on *insert hit tv show*!!” You’re ruining it for everyone else who hasn’t seen it yet. You suck, stop it!

Calendarbook- Need to know what day of the week, what month or even what year it is? No worries, CalendarBook updaters have got your back! Never again will you have to look at a real calendar, because you can find everything you need to know by logging in and scrolling down your feed. Forgot a birthday? No problemo! Didn’t send Grandma a Christmas card? Just post her greetings online, she’ll get them, because we all know Grandma is online more than you are anyway. CalendarBook even allows people to send greetings on days that it’s completely unnecessary- “Happy Hump Day!” (You mean Wednesday? We get one of those every week.), “Happy Friday the 13th!” (Not a holiday…), “Happy National Doughnut Day!” (Sigh…only in America would we celebrate that…).

Countdownbook- Okay so you’re going on a trip, getting married or something else really exciting is happening in your life very soon. It’s only normal to want to share information like this, and it’s just as normal to be counting down the days until it finally happens. But there’s got to be a limit guys! I’m thinking one to two weeks TOPS (even two is pushing it). If you’re counting down on a daily basis to a date that’s two months, six months or a freaking year or more away you’re probably definitely crossing the line.

Current-Eventsbook- I didn’t watch the Olympics opening ceremonies (Gasp! Shame on me, I know). I can still tell you every single thing that happened during it though, because of the glorious Current-Eventsbook updaters. I can also update you on every medal that’s won, the second it happens. No- not by watching the actual games or the news, silly! By reading people’s statuses! I don’t watch the news in general (double-gasp!) mostly because I find it extremely depressing and I would rather get a good laugh by watching an episode of Family Guy, or expand my mind by watching Jeopardy while I wash dishes rather than watch people cry over the senseless loss of a family member. I’m not making light of a situation like that, it just bums me out. I also learned all about the Chick-fil-A debacle and the discovery of Higgs Boson through people’s updates… what do I need to watch the news for anyway?

Instagrambook- Only through the magic of Instagram filters can you make your chai latte look like a work of purely. breathtaking. art. Pysch! It’s still a stupid picture of a chai latte and it’s not anymore interesting because you made it off-colored with your “1977 filter”. I actually skimmed through an extremely heated debate over Instagram the other day. People were so angry that other people didn’t consider it artistic or important or something (look, I said I skimmed it). Am I saying Instagram is stupid? No, I think it’s great that it’s now a part of Facebook and you don’t have to go through the hassle of loading pictures onto your computer before uploading them onto the internet. Am I saying it’s useless? Not at all, it’s very nice that you can quickly edit your pictures to make certain colors pop, or add a border without spending $100+ on Photoshop. Am I saying your coffee is any less important because you posted an edited picture of it? Not entirely, your picture was just as unimportant when it wasn’t edited. Maybe you think the unedited pictures of flowers, wildlife and landscapes that I take with my real camera and post are just as unimportant. That’s fine, I guess the real difference is that I just don’t care what you think.

Pinterestbook– Pinterest really popped into the internet scene this year, didn’t it? I know it’s been around for a while, but it seems that this year alone every person and their mother has requested an invitation to it. Personally, I love it. It’s a great way to steal people’s ideas and recipes, see new styles, get wedding and home decor ideas and look at inspirational quotes or funny pictures. It’s basically like a picture-book of Google, and instead of “bookmarking” a page, you can just pin it to a board and go back to it whenever you want! Now, however, it’s linked to Facebook, so every time that every person and their mother pins a pin, it is brought up on your feed. So now I’m seeing what everyone is pinning on Facebook, and then I’m seeing it again when I sign on to Pinterest, doesn’t this seem redundant? Okay, in reality it’s not everyone’s Pinterest that’s linked to Facebook, it only seems to be the people who pin the most pins about things I don’t care about that are the ones popping up on my feed… figures.

Alright kids, now before you start grabbing the pitchforks and lighting the torches let me make something very, very clear. I’m not telling any of you that you can’t say what you want to say (except you TV spoilers- seriously, stop.) or that you can’t express your opinions on your own page. The beautiful thing about free speech is that you can post whatever the heck you want in your status, and I can post whatever the heck I want in my blog. So, if I don’t want to read your “truth is…”, or movie review updates I won’t read them, and if you don’t like my poor attempts to make a few jokes then you don’t have to read it either.

I’d also like to point out that I realize the Instagram and Pinterest updates that show up on my feed are not technically “status updates”. I believe however, that they are just as annoying, and therefore just as appropriate to talk about in this post.

Happy First Hump-Day in August!
(you see what I did there?)


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