An Open Letter to Tiny Fey from Honey Boo Boo

Hey Glasses Person,

I done heard y’alls show is gone be cance-led. That’s jes too darn bad that ‘Merica loves me more cause I’m only six and I’ma beauty queen! I know y’all didn’t win no trophies this year at the T.V. Pageant, and I ain’t never seen your show cause it’s on the same time as NASCAR and wrestlin’ matches. But don’t you worry lady cause Honey Boo Boo Child gone give you some serggestions on how to keep the audience and judges likin’ what you got so much they be beggin’ for yo’ biscuit.

Ferst of all y’all gotta stop bein’ smart. Ain’t no one gone watch a lesbian who makes jokes they can’t understand. Why can’t you jes talk bout things everybody likes? My mama always makes jokes bout how many rednecks it takes to do something, like change a wheel on a tractor or clean up some roadkill for dinner. I betchu ain’t never made a joke like that once. But my mama’s jokes so funny she laughs at herself every time! Some other funny things are farts, pig farts and cow farts. Do y’all even have a pig on the show? That man in the suit don’t count, get a real pig. Pigs is jes like people cause they eat and fart. Stop talkin’ bout nerd and politics things- smart ain’t funny, no one wants to have to think ’bout something, they just wanna laugh.

Second, y’all gotta gain some weight and get sassified! All y’all big shot New York City peoples look like string beans durin’ a dry spell. Ain’t no one gone want that! How you sposed’ta make yo’ belly talk if y’all ain’t got no belly? I heard yo’ characacher Liz Lemon sposed’ta like food, but where’s the food gone- inta that big ugly brain? Haven’t you heard “Big is Beauitful”? They talkin’ bout bellies and boobies- not brains. My mama’s one of the beautimest persons I know and she’s fat as hell. She’d eat my pig if I let her fry him up, but I won’ cause he’s my best friend and I ain’t got no one else to talk to.

Nextly, change the name of the show. It’s all sposed’ta be bout 30 something rocks, but y’all ain’t even got no rocks on the show. Maybe change it to “Here Comes Old Glasses Lady” or “City Brains N’ Grits”. If you get that pig like I said y’all can call it “Sassy City Pig” I know I’d watch a show with that name. And there’s jes too much happenin’ all the time, if there’s too much goin’ on, no one can follow the story. Why don’t y’all just have an episode ’bout super coupon queens or one ’bout mud wrestlin’? Things like that is easy to understand and is interestin’! No one cares about a weird ol’ successful lady with a good job, ‘Merica likes watchin’ train wrecks, toilet paper fights, people bobbin’ fer pig feet and people failin’ at stuff. Peoples is way more interested in seeing me actin’ crazy when I drink my special juice, maybe if y’all had some special drink too y’all’d be more funny n’ cute like me.

If y’all’d like more serggestions come on down to my neck’a the woods, we can show you what ‘Merica’s really like and what ‘Mericans really want. We got good T.V. down here, full of fried food, farts and freaky babies with ‘leven fingers. That’s real life and that’s what ‘Merica loves and wants to see. Maybe one day you can even judge a pageant down here, we ain’t sposed’ta have famous people as judges but there ain’t no one down here who knows who you is anyway. Good luck with the last season of that boring crap y’all call a show, I can’t believe it had seven seasons- y’all’s twenty fans is crazy!

Don’t ferget what I said ’bout gettin’ that pig!

Salutations,
Honey Boo Boo Child

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